


Sink or Swim

by everysundoesntrise



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Demons, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Might offend you if you are really religious, allusions to supernatural, always-a-demon!Stiles, kind of, short oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 06:59:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everysundoesntrise/pseuds/everysundoesntrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The first memory Stiles has is sitting in the pew of the church, staring at the angel, looking like he's about to cry. But he couldn't cry; the angel statue is already doing that for him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sink or Swim

The first memory Stiles has is sitting in the pew of the church, staring at the angel, looking like he's about to cry. But he couldn't cry, the angel statue is already doing that for him. 

 

His mother, trying to calm him down by whispering, "Everything will be fine, sweetie, if you just breathe," sits right next to him.

 

Stiles shakes his head. He only appears to be three or four at this time, but his soul has seen so much more; it's been tortured, twisted and ridded of everything good in it. It's been shaped into the very monster people fear.

 

His (should he even call her that? She's never really been his) mother remains unaware of what her son has become, still attempting to calm him down, "Just breathe for me."

 

He tries, he tries so hard to please her. Oh god. Since when was he trying to _please_ anyone. That's not what he's meant to do. That's not what he _is_ anymore. But for some reason, he can't stop worrying about the scared look of the women next to him and he shakes, trying so hard to breath, but he can't. 

 

He can't because for the first time, the holy water hurting him isn't what's _hurting_ him, the fact that he's hurt by holy water is what is, the fact that he's a monster is what stings him, constricts him of his will to breath, as it tries to cling onto anything human about him. But like Stiles, it can't. He's nothing but a monster, a demon who possessed a dead two year old boy, a _thing_ that _his_ father has been afraid to look at ever since the body he possessed went still and the soul of their child died. 

 

And Stiles can't help but scream because he shouldn't be here. Because the church is so pure, and he is _so_  tainted.

 

The boy's mother, at this point, takes him outside of the church (good, he belongs outside of it), bending down to meet his eyes, "Genim, what's wrong?"

 

He lets himself calm down for a moment; the boy's mother should know, should know what he is, what he's done, where her little boy has gone,  why he needed to be out of that church. He struggles with words, as his body is only a couple years old, "I'm no good."

 

His mother frowns at him, pulling him closer, almost in an affectionate way (but who could ever care for Stiles?), reciting as she kissed his forehead, "Don't think that way for everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,"

 

Stiles couldn't tell what stung more, her words or the holy water.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time the body Stiles is in is eight, he doesn't go by the original owner's name. By the time he finally reaches the age of ten, he's slowly coping. He's learnt to pretend he's human, learnt to pretend he's just like the new kid in his class, Scott, learnt to pretend that he has ADHD; he talks non-stop (because if he stops, he thinks and if he thinks, he isn't coping), and uses sarcasm as a weapon. When he finally turns sixteen, Scott has (somehow) been his best friend for years, and he manages to feel like he's happy (even if he feels himself suffocate every time he feels like he cares for Scott). Well at least he manages to be happy until the night Scott gets "the bite." 

 

Scott becoming involved with the supernatural world hurts him more than the non-stop feeling of suffocation within him. He's scared because now Scott will be able to smell the taint coming right off of him and Stiles doesn't know if he can handle that, especially not after the only other person who looked at him like he was a human died (because of him, but he tries not the think of that, tries to block it from his memory). 

 

That day that Scott gets bitten is the day he sees Derek Hale for the first time. He's never felt as exposed as he did in front of Derek. He feels like Derek can tell, feels like Derek can smell everything that Stiles is, feels like he can tell what Stiles is. Derek scares him because he could ruin everything Stiles has been trying to do; he can ruin the humanity Stiles sometimes pretends he has.

 

He knows it's selfish (but he's a demon, so selfish is all he ever be), but he still tells Scott not to be around Derek because Derek might tell Scott, and Stiles can't lose Scott, not since Scott's the only person who likes him.

 

He remains skeptical of Derek, only talking with him when he needs to (mostly in order to save Scott), until, what he now dubs as The Peter Hale Incident. 

 

Derek saves him in that hospital when Peter tries to kill him, and for a second, Stiles feels himself suffocating, but then something in his body stops it when he realizes that this is _Derek Hale,_ who Stiles is pretty sure has some idea of what he really is. 

 

Stiles says his thanks in a very Stiles-like manner, when Derek looks at him, like he doesn't belong there, but not in the same way he felt like he didn't belong in church, in a way like he doesn't want Stiles in the midst of supernatural danger (of any danger) because Derek is looking at him like he's incredibly _human._  

 

And Stiles smiles (ignoring that same suffocating feeling boiling up inside of him) because being human is really the only thing he's ever wanted.

 

* * *

  

When he and Scott are finally both seventeen, Scott's has been obsessing over Allison even more than ever before, and even with the sinking feeling of abandonment that he can't shake, he's okay with it. After The Peter Hale incident, Stiles has found his solace in Derek. Derek who understands the difference between being human and not. Derek who sees Stiles as the former. Stiles is aware at how selfish he can be, hanging out with Derek just so he can keep up the charade of humanity 

 

But then it isn't just about being human, it's soon about Derek too. He begins to enjoy spending time with Derek. (He begins to suffocate around Derek more than he does around Scott and it scares him; he can't care about anyone more than Scott. He can't afford to care about- to taint- anyone else but Derek seems immune, immune to Stiles tainting effect on others, just like Lydia is, because, Derek, Stiles realizes, is tainted too). 

 

One day, Stiles kisses him. He didn't know what overcomes him to do it; he just knows he felt _something._ Something stronger than anything he felt before, stronger than the feeling of his lungs constricting from inside of him. Derek hesitates originally, but soon responds, with more force (and possibly passion, but Stiles wouldn't know what that feels like) and suddenly Stiles isn't just suffocating, but instead, he's drowning. He pulls away from Derek, choking, turning away as he knows what his eyes look right now. He knows how black they are and the fact that they're black and not their usual golden color doesn't scare him as much as how Derek's face will when he finally looks Stiles in the eye and see how tainted he is, finally see that he isn't human. 

 

So Stiles runs. He runs to the one place where everything began.

 

He runs to the church, runs to sit into the same pew that he sat thirteen or fourteen years prior. 

 

His eyes are still black as he looks at the angel statue that his eyes were fixated on back then too and screams, "Why? Why does it fucking have to be me? Why can't you heal me? Why do I have to be this fucking dirty? Why can't I be fucking human? Your _father_ was meant to care for everyone so why doesn't he fucking care about me? Why did he let me go to hell?" The statue answers with nothing but silence and a tear of blood, "This is his fault! I fucking don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be a monster-to hate what I am? Wasn't your father," he paused remembering what his (because she should be his mother, he deserves that doesn't he. He deserves something if he can never have what he truly wants, which he scares to admit isn't humanity anymore, but Derek.), "only meant to create good things? So why the fuck am I here? If I was meant to be good, why the fuck am I like this?" 

 

Stiles was losing control, until he broke out in a pained smile, "But this is how you want me to feel, isn't it? You enjoy when I'm in pain. Some god you are. Aren't you meant to care for all of your creations? Instead, your very essence suffocates me," he cocks a smirk, "If you want me to be pain so much, let me help you." He somberly gets up from the pew, and walks up the altar, "You don't want me to be human, do you? You don't think I deserve it. Every time I get a glimpse of it, you try to choke it out of me." Suddenly he's at the baptismal font, tracing his fingers over it in the same affectionate way just as the boy's mom had used to, "Well here you are God, I'll give you what you want." His face plunges into the font, letting the holy water within it to envelope his head entirely. He feels it entering each and every one of his cells, feels it burning him, suffocating him but yet it doesn't hurt him as much as pulling away from Derek and briefly seeing the hurt that flashed in Derek's eyes. 

 

The pain is subsided as he feels a strong grip pulling him out, only to return when his eyes meet Derek's. His eyes, which he should mention, are still completely black and now Derek has to know. He has to know what a _demon_ Stiles is. He has to hate Stiles now, for lying, for not being _human_ , because Derek probably only liked Stiles because he thought he was vulnerable and human and not the monster he really was, but, in an extremely out of character moment, Derek grip on him turns into a hug. Stiles feels his black eyes returning to the golden brown they were before, and suddenly he's crying. He's never cried before; he didn't even know if demons could cry but with Derek's arms around him and no feeling of suffocation accompanying them, it seems like the only reasonable thing to do.  

**Author's Note:**

> So..... Um? I'm not even supposed to like Teen Wolf. I've never liked Werewolf shows, but here I am.... I actually am in love with Stiles character and I felt that there is a lot of depth to it that could be explored and I was searching for Sterek fics on AO3 and there were lots of fics with a demon!Stiles and suddenly I was hit with visions of this fic. Originally Stiles was only going to become a human in death but I just made a happy ending and made him be "cured" in Derek's arms. What. I'm so sappy. Please comment.... yay.


End file.
